A great day on Reddit!

This was my first attempt at r/standupshots, thanks to the suggestion from Comedian Steve Hofstetter.
Sorry to everyone that has heard me do the joke...the rest of America hasn't...so...



Everybody gives all of their attention to babies. This is true whether it be just a regular human or the spiritual figure to billions. Well damn it! Let's start showing some love to the ones that really need our attention...the teenagers! Follow @teenagerjesus will ya?!


Smile Today, Cry Tomorrow

Ahh, thee eternally feared "just below the eye/upper cheek-bone tattoo." Always small and discreet, forever leaving the passing observer guessing, "Was that the infamous tear tattoo, worn by those in the murderous population?" "Or was it the unassuming star that usually graces the overtly sensitive, barley non-gay, emo boy face skin?

Surprisingly, misjudging either spectrum wouldn't really matter too much, being that I'd never approach either for meaningful conversation. My desire to not speak to either subject has zero to do with any sort of culture based prejudice. And although I may share an appreciation for the other art that has surly invaded their original pigment, (because, who stops/starts at face tats?) I'm 100% sure that any other similarities we may share, are heavily outweighed by my personal discomfort for both fear and annoyance.

I will never be willing to wager small talk with the tear-tattooed person. I'm sure the weather will reveal it's self in due time. And any talk of sports is also out the window, for fear of me making any unintentionally disrespectful comments regarding the Oakland Raiders. My mouth shall remained locked with a key less lock.

As far as the star faced pupil goes, I'll never give a shit about any band that makes you cry in the fetal position. And this coming from a guy who cried at the end of Annie.


Hipster C#u#n&ts

Hipsters should be ashamed of themselves. Not for the obvious reasons, but for their unchecked behaviors of taking first dibs on a community's donated goods. Because the awkward hours that their part time coffee house gigs keep, they are able to run rampant, combing through every item of your late grandpa's wardrobe, picking the best, most plaid of tops, while their girlfriends finger through every piece of your great aunt's scarf and jewelry collections.

And to top it off , they do it with headphones on. Big headphones that they just found in the broken electronics troph at the other end of the store. They are good at what they do, using one less sense than everybody else, enhancing their sight and touch for an optimal ransacking sesh.

You should hang your small beanied, patchy bearded, Hipster heads. For you are the reason the children of Russian immigrants are made fun of by the American kids. They are forced into Ross department stores all across this non-communist nation, constrained to a choice between orange leather pointy shoes and burnt orange leather pointy shoes. They are relegated to wearing light blue, puffy winter coats all year round. Take a moment to think about that for a sec guys. Could you imagine the difficulty of learning a foreign language whilst adorning yourself with a half unbuttoned purple silk dress shirt? Sure the shirt shows off your many white gold chains and kinda sexy chest hair...but still.


Logic we can all get behind.

Now that the many droplets of H2O are all up in the guts of NYC, for some reason, the religious fringe feel the need to speculate as to why such things are happening. And usually when such a disaster hits, some sort of socially popular sin is to blame. (Usually anal for some reason.) Pastor John McTernan, is the latest player in the anal blame game.

Questions: One: "Why is God soooooo obsessed with butt-hole affection, enough to make it rain super hard?" Two: "At what level of climate variance does 'weather just being weather' turn into a hard-learned lesson about the woes of same sex wonderment?"

If sin warrants bad weather, how is Germany still above sea level?  Should we consider a stiff breeze a subtle warning against white lies? Is a sunny day a Holy reward for abstaining from sin. If I get a sunburn, should I question my spiritual standing, being that I received a negative affect from the weather?

I find it strange that the same people that believe homosexuality is a sin that is punishable by Hell, also believe that homosexuality is a mental illness. That sort of logic is saying that God will send mentally ill people to Hell. What if you're gay and mentally retarded? They must end up in Hitler Hell. It's just Hitler and the other Nazi's and a bunch of G'tards.


I got PODCASTed by Jake Johannsen! Jakethis.com

Hey everyone that cares. Listen to this. Jake Johannsen, Joe Kloceck and myself talked on a microphone that recorded our voices. My girlfriend Nanci was also there. Just listen to this and feel the horror. Here's the Link: PODCAST

Also, check out his website! www.jakethis.com


I hate parents of people. Little League edition.

As if owning three little children wasn't enough to convice the world that I am a father, this past weekend was fully of daddy incidents that forced me to open my eyes (even wider) to how retarded parents can be.

Catherine (my oldest asset) had try-outs for the local Little League Softball Chapter. Cat has never ever played an organized sport, nor has she been invovled in many competitons aside from fighting with her little brother for parent attention. The try-outs were held at a local school in the early, cool hours of the morning and continued on into the later cool hours of the day.

As I watched the "Adult" in charge of the try-outs throw pop-flys to 7-8 year-old girls, I became nervous for my Catherine. We hadn't gone over the "pop-fly" yet. In the week previous, we went over grounders, throwing and batting stances. So, when the "pop-flys" started "popping and flying" I got a little tense. Just picture little girls holding baseball gloves (as big as their heads) trying to block softballs from their little innocent faces.
I was so tense that I made the mistake of verbalizing my concern to a "parent" that was standing next to me. I said, "Wow this is really making me nervous...hehe." She then replied, "Ah, if they get hit in the face it will sting a little bit, it won't break a nose or chip a tooth...it'll just sting." Then her husband chymed in, "That's how they learn to protect themselves."

I really wanted to tell the lady to walk across the field and let me throw a line drive "pop-fly" at her face....just to test out her theory. And to her boyfriend: I hope he's not the one teaching his kids how to cross the street. "Don't worry kids, just dodge that minivan."